Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Your Own Little Paradox. 
- Tara

Love, such a misused word. Crazy thing, really it is. One moment it can fill you with so much joy, and the next it can completely strip you of life. Such a quick pulse of hate or happiness it is. When you fall in love it is a high unlike anything you can buy off the streets. You lose all control and grip on reality. You forget what's right and what's wrong. You forget who you're pleasing or hurting. Basically love is like a sickness that never seems to leave without a piece of you...

I can't even begin to explain in perfectly understandable words how I feel right now. My heart is so comfortable where I am right now. I've grown a little too close to the hate filled lies I keep injecting into the world around me. It's like a sickening pattern of apologies and constant reminders of how imperfect I really am. As shitty as it sounds, it's like a really strong drug and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't addicting. 

Everyday I need my dose of pain, just to feel alive again. It's such a sickening thought, my constant heartbreak, but this fear inside me is my reason why. I constant cycle of regret all from having no real self control. Even though his love is the only pure love I've every known, I find myself hurting him constantly, with no real motive to. He took me off guard with his sweet serenade of emotions. His never-ending affection was quiet intoxicating, so I'd be lying if I said my heart was not his. There is just a battle inside my chest that no one ever sees...

It's me you see with all the issues. You may be mad, but I'm the one the edge of disaster. For my love it's my Dad that has me so confused. When he got ill I lost a lot of my heart. He was honestly my world. Everything I did or wanted to do was for his approval. He was the only person in this entire world who I could truly relate to. There were times when he was in the hospital that we almost lost him, and as selfish as this may sound all I could think of was all the things he wouldn't be there for me through. He was never going to dance with me at my wedding, or watch me graduate, or see me accomplish all my dreams. In those long three months he was in the hospital, half alive, I lost a large piece of myself. Now, I find it difficult to find reason to wake up in the mornings, and some nights when I lay there sleep deprived I think of ending my life. Even now seeing him in such a childish state, it shatters what's left my heart. He isn't my Dad anymore. He is a broken man, and in a way I feel as if I failed him. As if I could of done something, ANYTHING, more to save him. 

My love, what you don't understand is love isn't an experiment. You can't test love to know that it will be that way every time  You see, love is different for us all. We feel differently towards everyone we meet, making it difficult to catalog or test the emotion we feel. In reality, love is like a play. It carries out the beautiful musical beginning, a conflicted Act or two, and then,as with most, it ends. (With most likely a gruesome ending or tragedy.)

{Loving me is like expecting to play in a burning field, and not to get burnt or to jump in water even knowing you're unable to swim. I'm a walking disaster, a never-ending tragedy, and most of all, what you will understand as a walking paradox.}

I'm no good for you. My heart is no longer working to give away to you. For what you seek, I never had to give. I desperately want to fill your soul with an unselfish love, as you have mine, I just don't know if I ever even had that love to give. 

Studying You

I have learned so much. She once showed me a video of a dog who had been missing its owner and was finally re-united. The dogs cries of joy when being loved were so emotionally jerking. It made me think

The thought of the joyous whining of a dog and how if not knowing the circumstances, could be misinterpreted as cries of sorrow. Is it the same with humans? Is joy and sorrow the same yet opposite? Within the spectrum of human emotions, joy is on one far end and sorrow on the opposite end. Yet they share so much common ground. Tears of sadness can be linked to tears of joy. I feel as though being with her, I have done so. Not at first of course. First, I experienced the joy of being with her, and hearing her say I love you.  The I experienced cries of pain when I KNEW she was leaving, and I doubt her feelings for me. But now it feels like the best thing my heart can do is cherish the time I have left with that smile of hers. I have now connected with both joy and sorrow. Sorrow in wishing I had a chance to be with her, joy in the moments we had. 

I find myself conflicted emotionally. I am happy when around her, but then she ruins it with her talking of leaving. Almost as if it is nothing. It is a vicious complex cycle. I am happy and show her this happiness and the amounts of joy. I'm wanting her to be sure of me in a situation like this crazy "what ifs". She just talks to easily about moving away, and it grabs my soul by the balls every time because I get in this state of mind that she is one hundred and fifty percent leaving and that there is absolutely nothing, no amount of happiness, no love that I can give. The depression sinks in.

I suppose in reality that's just how the situation is. I know that in many ways her life would be better and not to mention safer there, and I know that. It just hurts to know her feelings for me either don't equal mine or just aren't strong enough for her to stay.

It wouldn't be so bad if I could just be happy for her leaving, but I can't. Every time it's brought up or thought about I just get so fucking SAD. 

{Her smile makes me feel alive. Her flawless personality combined with her godly looks, makes her more than perfect.}

She doesn't talk about the situation anymore. I guess her mind is fully made up to leave. I don't want to be her main reason to stay. Although she even said her Dad would be. I just hope I'm somewhat in her reason. It feels like I'm in the hardest game known to mean... Love, and I'm going in with so much at stake; Already knowing I'm going to lose.

Love is Change
- Tara

"Don't go," he begs her. "Don't go," he cries to her. Yet she stands still in time with her mind made up ready to run. "I love you!" he shouts.  Her mind not even wrapping around the idea. Shattered he will be. Still she keeps running. No way out she sees. No way to him. The light missing from his eyes now, she knows he's a goner. No return he will make, with all the broken promises becoming entirely too much to take. What shall she do? Always the never-ending mystery.

He reminds her of home, every happy hello, but she can't seem to find the time. Days drag by. He knows he is losing her, but yet he smiles. Oh but what a smile. How is this so? So broken but so at peace. Peace with crying, content with watching her go. 

Run as she will, farther away. Distancing their hearts. Everyday will be the new challenge, as her absence will consume him. As will his to hers. Broken they both shall be, and yet they smile. Smile as they cry, smile as they die, smile because love never truly fades or leaves. For love is the real mystery, so going shouldn't change anything. 

To Lose is to Love.

I knew this was coming from the second I developed feelings for her. But I kept injecting myself with her poisonous energy to keep me alive. My love for her isn't enough anymore I don't think. She can do so much better than me. Her emotions deserve it, her heart deserves it, and her mind deserves a break from this turmoil. I don't want to be the anchor that holds her back. I can't stop loving her, but it will take the brightest part of my love to watch her leave and become happy. Of course I would do everything I could to support her if she was to stay, but I can't make her want that. I can't make her want to be with me. 
It's pretty inevitable as I see it. But this love that I have, I don't look at as a waste, or at least I try my damnedest not to. Her and I have shared so much joy and so much pain we've been everywhere emotionally. I'd be mad not to cherish it.
I have to let her go. It isn't right for me an my adoration for her to drag down her fate. There isn't anything here for her. She has so much talent. She will have more opportunities there. 
I will dry up here in this Mississippi air. This is my fate. To continue to get emotionally destroyed, and I will once more be alone... Happiness. It will surely leave with her. Maybe the time we had together should be viewed as a sort of mental totem. For example, when in the future the universe decides to shit on me, the tendrils of my thoughts will slither to that special place inside, and wrap around her smile. But when the day comes for her to leave me I'll say that I'm happy for her as she shakes her principal's hand. I'll seem happy for her when I see her taking snap shots afterwards. I'll look content when I see them kiss, but when I see her for the final time, I'll be happy I love her.

A Little Piece of Us.

Our Names are Tanner and Tara.  We are starting the journey called life together and everyday is a challenge,but we know together anything is possible. <3
Note- This is a work in progress Blog. It has been started to give him and I a way to stay connected. Even with that being said, we would love some constructive criticism if anything.