Studying You

-Tanner

I have learned so much. She once showed me a video of a dog who had been missing its owner and was finally re-united. The dogs cries of joy when being loved were so emotionally jerking. It made me think

The thought of the joyous whining of a dog and how if not knowing the circumstances, could be misinterpreted as cries of sorrow. Is it the same with humans? Is joy and sorrow the same yet opposite? Within the spectrum of human emotions, joy is on one far end and sorrow on the opposite end. Yet they share so much common ground. Tears of sadness can be linked to tears of joy. I feel as though being with her, I have done so. Not at first of course. First, I experienced the joy of being with her, and hearing her say I love you.  The I experienced cries of pain when I KNEW she was leaving, and I doubt her feelings for me. But now it feels like the best thing my heart can do is cherish the time I have left with that smile of hers. I have now connected with both joy and sorrow. Sorrow in wishing I had a chance to be with her, joy in the moments we had. 

I find myself conflicted emotionally. I am happy when around her, but then she ruins it with her talking of leaving. Almost as if it is nothing. It is a vicious complex cycle. I am happy and show her this happiness and the amounts of joy. I'm wanting her to be sure of me in a situation like this crazy "what ifs". She just talks to easily about moving away, and it grabs my soul by the balls every time because I get in this state of mind that she is one hundred and fifty percent leaving and that there is absolutely nothing, no amount of happiness, no love that I can give. The depression sinks in.

I suppose in reality that's just how the situation is. I know that in many ways her life would be better and not to mention safer there, and I know that. It just hurts to know her feelings for me either don't equal mine or just aren't strong enough for her to stay.

It wouldn't be so bad if I could just be happy for her leaving, but I can't. Every time it's brought up or thought about I just get so fucking SAD. 

{Her smile makes me feel alive. Her flawless personality combined with her godly looks, makes her more than perfect.}

She doesn't talk about the situation anymore. I guess her mind is fully made up to leave. I don't want to be her main reason to stay. Although she even said her Dad would be. I just hope I'm somewhat in her reason. It feels like I'm in the hardest game known to mean... Love, and I'm going in with so much at stake; Already knowing I'm going to lose.