Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Your Own Little Paradox. 
- Tara

Love, such a misused word. Crazy thing, really it is. One moment it can fill you with so much joy, and the next it can completely strip you of life. Such a quick pulse of hate or happiness it is. When you fall in love it is a high unlike anything you can buy off the streets. You lose all control and grip on reality. You forget what's right and what's wrong. You forget who you're pleasing or hurting. Basically love is like a sickness that never seems to leave without a piece of you...

I can't even begin to explain in perfectly understandable words how I feel right now. My heart is so comfortable where I am right now. I've grown a little too close to the hate filled lies I keep injecting into the world around me. It's like a sickening pattern of apologies and constant reminders of how imperfect I really am. As shitty as it sounds, it's like a really strong drug and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't addicting. 

Everyday I need my dose of pain, just to feel alive again. It's such a sickening thought, my constant heartbreak, but this fear inside me is my reason why. I constant cycle of regret all from having no real self control. Even though his love is the only pure love I've every known, I find myself hurting him constantly, with no real motive to. He took me off guard with his sweet serenade of emotions. His never-ending affection was quiet intoxicating, so I'd be lying if I said my heart was not his. There is just a battle inside my chest that no one ever sees...

It's me you see with all the issues. You may be mad, but I'm the one the edge of disaster. For my love it's my Dad that has me so confused. When he got ill I lost a lot of my heart. He was honestly my world. Everything I did or wanted to do was for his approval. He was the only person in this entire world who I could truly relate to. There were times when he was in the hospital that we almost lost him, and as selfish as this may sound all I could think of was all the things he wouldn't be there for me through. He was never going to dance with me at my wedding, or watch me graduate, or see me accomplish all my dreams. In those long three months he was in the hospital, half alive, I lost a large piece of myself. Now, I find it difficult to find reason to wake up in the mornings, and some nights when I lay there sleep deprived I think of ending my life. Even now seeing him in such a childish state, it shatters what's left my heart. He isn't my Dad anymore. He is a broken man, and in a way I feel as if I failed him. As if I could of done something, ANYTHING, more to save him. 

My love, what you don't understand is love isn't an experiment. You can't test love to know that it will be that way every time  You see, love is different for us all. We feel differently towards everyone we meet, making it difficult to catalog or test the emotion we feel. In reality, love is like a play. It carries out the beautiful musical beginning, a conflicted Act or two, and then,as with most, it ends. (With most likely a gruesome ending or tragedy.)

{Loving me is like expecting to play in a burning field, and not to get burnt or to jump in water even knowing you're unable to swim. I'm a walking disaster, a never-ending tragedy, and most of all, what you will understand as a walking paradox.}

I'm no good for you. My heart is no longer working to give away to you. For what you seek, I never had to give. I desperately want to fill your soul with an unselfish love, as you have mine, I just don't know if I ever even had that love to give. 

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